I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
