the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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