I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need water and some morals
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
