I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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