dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
