I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
