Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize