I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
