Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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