so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
