dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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