I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
