she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
