all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
