Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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