i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize