I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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