: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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