guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize