2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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