i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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