god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
