Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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