Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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