I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
