I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
