then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
