God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize