The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
