So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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