This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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