you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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