I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
