God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize