he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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