Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
