I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize