Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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