ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
