dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
