would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
