I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
