My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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