I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need water and some morals
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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