i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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