He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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