i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
