and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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