I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
