I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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