Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
