So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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