i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
