He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Sext me about skeletons
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
