theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
