I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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