I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
