So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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