Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
