Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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